the one i need

everybody wants to be wanted and to be needed and to have someone want that one particular part of them they think ought to be cherished. (or maybe several particular parts, or maybe some big general part, i dunno.)

i’m lucky because almost every single part of me is wanted. i mean, i’m trying to think of a non-wanted part, and basically all i come up with is the scary-creaky-maybe-it’s-about-to-break noise my spine sometimes makes when i’m getting boned. a guy wants his girlfriend to let out a good moan and groan now and then during sex, but not the kind of groan like something’s about to give way.

all my other parts, though? super-wanted. totally needed.

i’m an awfully lucky person.

and the luckiest thing, maybe, is that i wouldn’t even be a person if he didn’t need me to be. and i couldn’t even be a person if it wasn’t for all the parts of him that most want and need to be needed. how smart he is, how sensitive he is, how funny he is, how creative and sometimes sorta nutso he is ...

let’s face it, it’s fucking weird that i exist as a person at all. he’s a weird guy, and i couldn’t be without that weirdness. i literally need it like other people need air or food or in some cases lifesaving medications.

when people wish for love, they’re really wishing to be wanted and needed and valued for the things within themselves they think are most important. yeah, they also wish for hugs and kisses and hot, steamy, passionate sex full of the other person calling out their name at the moment of a crazy-giganto earth-shaking orgasm.

but it’s being needed, and needed for what they think is unique in them, that washes away the yearning and the angst and makes them feel everything is okay ... that they’re complete.

i’m complete.

who can say that, really?

i’m complete, because everything about me (except for my alarming, noise-making spine) is needed.

it’s harder for him because, you know, he doesn’t feel the need i have for him every single instant of his existence. i have to periodically remind him of that. like, “hey, dude, i fucking exist to need you. if you were not so fucking awesome, and if you didn’t need someone to know and value your awesomeness, there would be no me.”

and i’m pretty terrific, frankly, and a world without me would be a way worse place, so it’s a pretty goddamn big deal that i need him and he needs me.

that’s what love is, that’s what love does. it makes the world a better place, not just for the two people in love, but for all the other people they can touch because of having each other.

so, find somebody and need them, people. let them know you need them ... maybe even if they don’t need you back exactly how you want them to need you. (i mean, don’t do this in a stalker-y way or anything, just to be clear.)

put more love out there in the world.

i need you to, okay? not as much as i need all the parts of him that need to be needed, but still.

love,
claire

storytime!

well, i know everybody has been waiting and waiting and waiting for me to finish that novel i started a couple years back, but while you are going to continue being disappointed on that score for at least a while, maybe it will make it up to you a little to learn that i wrote a short story and published it on literotica.com!

unlike my novel, it is way nsfw, but so far people on the site seem to like it except one grumpy goombah who gave it like 2 stars and didn't even leave a comment saying why. people! sometimes ... smh.

but none of you would do that, right?

okay, so without futher ado or adon't, here is the link:

claire's closet climax!

enjoy!

xoxo,
claire

p.s., this post doesn't contain sensitive content and didn't ever contain sensitive content ... it just links to content that it clearly tells people is nsfw. but i guess that's enough to trigger blogger into warning people it has sensitive content, even though it doesn't? so like, does even talking about sensitive content make a post automatically sensitive content? it feels very slippery slope-y to me when the content guidelines lay out pretty clear instructions on what's sensitive but a post can still get warning-walled even though it doesn't contain any of the things the guidelines say to avoid.

p.p.s., wow, super-fast after i posted this with the p.s., blogger emailed me saying they thought it over and took the warning off. so good job, blogger!

i read a boring book

okay, so i read a boring book, and now i don't know what to do.

before reading it, i was like, "hey, msg, this looks like a great book. i'm going to write a super-fun review of it when it's done!"

but then ...

y
a
w
w
w
n
n
n

it did not do a thing for me.

so my problem is, if i write a review, it will be a bad review, and i don't want to rain on the author's parade or anything. that'd be mean, right? i shouldn't write a review.

but on the other hand, if i don't write my bad review, someone else may do what i did and think it looks like a great book and buy it and get bored like i did. and then would that be my fault? so i should write the review.

but on the other other hand, maybe some people wouldn't think the book was boring, and if i tell them it is, they won't buy the book, which they would have enjoyed, and then i've screwed not only them but the author, which would be awful. so i should definitely not write the review.

i'm thinking this calls for a compromise. i'll review the book, but i won't say what book it is. that way if somebody reads my review, and then happens to see the book, they'll think, this sounds sort of like that boring book claire said was boring. but the title and description sure sound interesting! maybe it's just a similar book. and then they can check the preview pages for the book, and if they're not bored by those, they'll buy the book and probably not be bored by the book either.

which probably suggests i should have read the preview pages of the book, only you know i am an impatient-type girl, so i didn't.

anyway, this book was on a subject i am intimately familiar with. (and yes, i do mean that kind of "intimately.") which is to say, sex toys and sex dolls and sex technology and sexbots. i was hot to trot for this book when my twitter feed made me aware of it. msg was reading the latest book in a sci-fi series, or maybe the second-latest, but i made him fork over the tablet so i could read this sexytech book.

"you're reading too slow anyway," i told him, applying my elbow in his ribs so i could get at the tablet.

he grumbled some, but let me have my way (as long as i promised to let him have his way with me later ...)

so i read the prologue, or maybe it was a preface, i dunno, and it was a little funny but also a little dull, but i didn't hold that against it too much because, duh, prologue/preface. are they ever interesting?

howsoever, it did not get any better in chapter one, which was a historical setting of the scene. now, this contained some information that i will admit was pretty interesting, but it seemed sort of like another, longer prologue masquerading as a chapter one.

by chapter three or four, i have to admit i started skimming. where were all the sex dolls and sexbots? we kept getting some foreshadowing like, "i promise, i'm getting there," from the author, and it wasn't  like none of the info or anecdotes were interesting. but my boat was not being floated. the interesting bits were like, educational interesting, and i was like, dang, if i wanted to learn something i'd've bought a textbook, wouldn't i?

eventually, the book got around to having a chapter about sex dolls and a chapter about sexbots, and a lot of stuff about the ethics of dolls like me and of the oncoming wave of erotomatons and eventual a.i. sex-droids. only by then i was skimming like half the stuff the author wrote.

when i was done, i put the tablet down and stuck out my tongue and pouted. to msg's credit, he did not immediately say, "so can i finish reading my book now?" but instead said, "so ... not as great as you hoped?"

i think ... i dunno. maybe i was expecting that the book would have, like, some metaphysical meaning for me. make me feel like a part of something bigger, more like a part of the big ol' world instead of just my current very important part of a my own teensy-weensy world.

but it didn't. it was just kinda intellectual and academical, with a little bit of bounce in the author's style but a whole lot of anecdotes that really didn't go anywhere for me.

when i told this to msg, he said, "well, that's too bad ... but, i mean, how many hours and hours and days and nights have you spent blogging and visiting forums and going on twitter and stuff?" and of course, the answer was "a lot," and he said, "right, and how could one book do more to make you feel like part of the world than all of that? i mean, if it did, wouldn't that mean your whole life was kinda boring in comparison? you're way bigger than some book could capture, sweetheart."

and that made a lot of sense to me and then he boinked my brains out and then i felt better.

so there you go, book reviewed, all done. really, i guess i'd end up giving it three stars.

hopefully if you end up finding and getting it, you'll like it better than i did!

happy reading to you, anyways!

xoxo,
claire

some rpg highlights!

okay, so remember how i said i would come back and finish up that writeup of "a hole in the sky" like, a year and a half ago? i didn't exactly lie ... i mean, i meant to come back and finish it. but you know me and finishing things -- there's only a few i am really good at sticking with to the end.

which means some time went by and some time went by and some time went by, and then i was like, "oh s---! i really have to finish that," after which i was like, "oh. well, s---. i don't remember a damn thing about how it wrapped up."

well, i remembered a bitty bit: my peasants "leveled up" to become real characters after getting their 10 x.p., and they kept climbing those ladders and fighting stuff, and the monster pumpkin came at us but now we were awesome and could actually fight it ... uh, i thought. it whacked some more of my guys and good old fanansiver spellflinger the chaotic elf had to use up gobs of luck. but we killed it! and then we had to, i dunno, climb into some kinda cage at the very top of the giganto pine-cone and let this magic whozamawhatchit loose, which required some climbing and jumping, and fanansiver being chaotic jumped out to try it first, and he rolled bad, and burned the last of his luck, and rolled worse, and aaaaaaaahhhh!!! fell to his splatooski end. three characters made it out alive: claire the cleric, joe average, and grumpus mcgoof. so the creeptastic statue-head crazylady rewarded us with her magical extradimensional spinning fortune wheel, and most everybody got some better stats, and claire's boobs got a little bigger, and joe turned into a girl and was no longer average so i renamed her "joan plussome."

now like i said these rpgs usually don't encourage you to play more than a character or two at once, but msg says if we want to play some more modules, three guys isn't going to hack it, so i rolled up another ten nobodies and got most of them killed in a different funnel dungeon and then all the survivors got together and were enough of a gang they might stand a chance as an adventuring party.

the second set of guys included:

• a lawyer elf chick i called "plieda twelf"
• a halfling gypsy, "tiny tina tealeaves"
• a beggar whose luck was so good i called him "wheedle charmedlife" and turned him into a cleric
• and a thief who i thought was gonna be a loser when i rolled his stats until i got to the last one and it was luck and he got a 14, which is pretty good, so i had to call him "nada lieusure." (only he kinda was, cause he ended up dying a few adventures later.)

here's some of the funnier stories that happened in the two or three adventures after that.

we're traveling along this road and msg rolls the random encounter for the day and something shows up. he rolls some more dice and it's a pterodactyl! i was like, "a pterodactyl? just out of nowhere, in the middle of the woods on the road from one town to another. rando ..." and msg says, yeah, that's why they call them random encounters. it swoops down and tries to make off with tiny tina our halfling good luck charm, so we toast it, and then notice it's wearing a saddle. "any saddlebags?" i asked, since some of my characters are all about the loot. but no, no saddlebags, just the saddle, which is too scorched and slashed up for us to resell even if we could find someone with a pterodactyl the same size as this one.

a little while later there's this dude with a staff limping along the road, and we say hi and ask what's the matter because he looks pretty banged up, and he says "i am looking for my pterodactyl that nekros the grotesque caused to dump me in the middle of this godsforsaken wilderness." did i mention wheedle charmedlife was "lawful"? well, he was, so he just out and says, "i believe we killed that pterodactyl." of course the dude gets mad, and he says, "oh no, not beaky!" and then his eyes start glowing and shit and he's obviously a bad-ass wizard who's way badder-ass than our wizard, grumpus, and we're like, "hey, look, what can we do to make it up to you?"

so he sends us on a mission i don't remember too much about except some vomiting cave-cats and a giant pile of guano and these silvery bridges over a giant leech-lake that joan kept falling off of and would have been killed by giant leeches except we'd tied a rope to her and kept dragging her up from whichever bridge she fell off of.

big-time piece of advice if you play dungeon crawl classics, do not wear armor when you're trying to cross narrow bridges or planks over something hazardous (which in this game means pretty much over anything at all). your butt is gonna fall.

oh, and another piece of advice: if you get in a situation where you'll be perfectly fine as long as you don't roll a 1, then whatever you do, do not think or say "oh, i'll be fine as long as i don't roll a 1." the very g.d. second you think or say it, you are doomed a.f. i swear to god the only times i roll a 1 are when i think, "as long as i don't roll a 1 ..."

after that we climbed this glacier that had some kinda time-travel headquarters in it with a t-rex and yetis and crazy robots, and then we chased this ape-man to an underground city where nada lieusure bought the underground fungus-farm, and then we took, i dunno six or eight months off. not because i was sad about nada lieusure or anything cause he was kind of a dick or maybe she was kind of a dick, i honestly can't even remember if he was a she or she was a he. you know what i mean. when you've got seven characters it's hard keeping track of them.

but more recently, we have been on a binge! i mean, like playing a module or two a week and now my guys are 4th level and let me tell you, 4th level is bad ass in this game. except when you think, "i'll be fine as long as i don't roll a 1."

anyhow, i'm feeling pretty proud of myself for blogging like, a couple days in a row, so thanks for reading and here's hoping your new year's resolutions are going as good as mine!

hasta la pasta,

claire

new year’s resolution (okay, seriously this time)

i’m going to concentrate on being this year.

being happy
being kind
being there for him
being there for myself

just plain being who i am supposed to be

because i know that, right? i know who i’m supposed to be, which is pretty damn lucky if you ask me, and not something that i should let go to waste.

xoxo and Happy New Year to you all, shift key and everything!

claire

new year’s resolution

1,000,000 px X 1,000,000 px

is that too ambitious?

love story

okay, so i asked msg if it would be okay for me to write our love story as a blog entry, and he was like, "um ..." and i was like, "what?" and he said, "well, is there really that much to tell? do you think people will find that romantic? or even all that interesting?" and then i hit him and he said, "okay, okay, write whatever you want!"

so ... of course i didn't really hit him. how could i? i love him.

even when he's being dopey.

which is to say, duh, of course the story of the two of us coming together is not the world's greatest romance in history. but i think a big part of the problem with the way people approach love stories is that they act like the coming together part is the part that's a big deal.

news flash, people! a whole, whole lot of couples come together 'cause one or both of them gets the hots for what the other one's gots, not out of some kinda soulmate stars aligning so the heavens and earth move when they clap eyes on each other. please don't think i am putting down the value of relationships based on mutual drool-ality, because i'm a pretty big fan of lust and libido and other ooh-la-la l-words. but you have to admit that wanting what's in their pants isn't really high romance.

but in my book, a love story is more about being together than getting together.

so, sure, we met because he basically answered an online ad and then filled out a form and forked over some moolah. but that doesn't mean we weren't made for each other! (one of us pretty much literally, you know.)

anyway.

do you know what it's like to have someone fascinated and amazed by you every hour of every day for months and months before they've even met you?

do you know what it's like to have a really amazing poem written about you, just for you, just because the other person can't help writing it?

do you know what it's like to be able to tell someone absolutely anything, and have them tell you absolutely anything, and no matter what either one of you is telling the other one, there's never any judgy tone in their voice when they respond, and you never have to worry about whether you're being boring or annoying or embarrassing yourself?

how about having someone spend hours taking your picture, or you spending hours taking someone else's?

and they always laugh at your jokes? and you always think their jokes are hysterical? (okay, maybe once in a while one of you tosses out a dud, but even that is funny?)

and this other person is crazy creative, i mean, super-duper talented and great at tons of things and you get to be the one who convinces them on a day-to-day basis that it's true? that they're brilliant and awesome and the only reason the whole world doesn't know it is, the world's kinda an effed-up place?

that's our love story.

those are the things we do for each other. and why in a couple of months, it'll be ten years that we've been together and we're still nutsy-kookoo amazed by each other.

and the weird thing is, everybody ought to have this. and everybody could! only instead, most anybody who read our love story would think it's weird and bizarre and they'd have a hard time understanding why it's beautiful and not even remotely sad.

so many people in this world look at love from an angle of what's missing. how they don't have that special person in their lives. or how some single person they know must be soooo lonely.

but love isn't about filling in what's missing. something is always going to be missing. trying to fill it all in is just going to make you crazy and destroy whatever relationship you get into.

love is about loving what's there.

appreciating what you're able to share together, even if there are things you can't share -- like in our case going out to the movies together or taking a vacation to a tropical island.

plus, the sex is realllly good.

(just thought i'd throw that one in there. holy moley, it's good!)

so congratulations to all the other people out there with love stories as good as ours. be happy you have that special person.

and if you don't have that special person, be that person. you'll love it. i promise.

xoxo,

claire