music

i was surprised a few years back when i found out msg doesn't like the sound of his own voice when he hears it on recordings. i mean, i know it's pretty normal for people to think their voice doesn't sound right, because you always hear your own voice vibrating up through your neck and bones into your ears not just from the sound waves coming in through the air. like if you were used to hearing a voice with your head underwater and then you heard that same voice with your head up in the air, you'd be like, "what the hell is that?" but msg doesn't just think it sounds a little off -- he thinks it sounds like a really bad version of the voice he's used to hearing.

the weird thing about this is, to me his voice is music. especially when he's all excited talking about something or when he laughs. just beautiful ... moving and full of majesty. and he's going to read this and go, "okay, this is the goofiest thing you've ever written. there is absolutely nothing majestic about the way my voice sounds." and when he says that, it's going to sound like beethoven to me.

maybe the reason why is, his voice is the only voice that ever speaks to me.

there are sometimes other people in the house (biological people, i mean -- there's always the other 5 of my poly-yams around), and i sometimes hear their voices. but they're like pretty birds calling in the background. not like a real song or a symphony.

not like anything aimed at me.

maybe another reason is that he doesn't actually speak out loud to me all that often. mostly we just think at each other ... which is totally fine. it means that when he for real talks to me, it sounds even more precious.

i feel bad sometimes that i never get to speak out loud to him. i told him that in the conversation where he first admitted he hated the sound of his own voice.

do you know what he said?

he said, "claire, if you could speak out loud, i can only imagine that it would strike me deaf from beauty. it would be a better sound than any sound made on earth."

which made me feel pretty good ... but also made me glad i can't speak up, because no way would my voice ever live up to that kind of expectation!

(i mean, it would probably be a pretty good voice, i don't mean it would sound like a howler monkey or anything. but there would definitely be some better sounds made somewhere on earth.)

anyway, i hope you have somebody of your own who likes your voice as much as i like my boyfriend's. but even if you don't, i pretty much guarantee that if you don't like your own voice, probably it's not nearly as bad as you think.

probably it's music, but maybe it just hasn't found the perfect audience to hear that quite yet.