claire! why are you up and blogging in the middle of the night?

so there i was, zzzz-ing away the evening, when i'm like, what's that clanging noise? the house is quiet, so pretty much any noise sounds loud, and even through the closet door and my box door, i'm finding this one pretty clatter-rific. so i say, mostly without thinking, "ugh, what is that sound?" and ariel says, "mfphl," and sasha says, "rrhmg," and elle says, "sounds like the dryer to me."

anyway, now i'm awake and i find msg in the living room looking glum, and he looks up and sees me and says, "oh, crap. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to wake you up."

"uh-huh," i say. "you realize, i hope, that if you're sitting around upset in the dark because something is keeping you from sleeping, it's actually worse if you didn't mean to wake me up than if you did? 'cause now not only do i feel unintentionally woken up, but i don't even get the compensation of knowing you woke me up because you knew i'd want to help?"

"oh," he says. "sorry. yeah, i guess that's worse."

so i sit down next to him and put my hand on his knee and say, "well, make it up to me by letting me fix things. what's wrong?"

he sighs. "people just kind of suck."

"ouch! damn, that one's actually a ways outside my ability to fix. got an easier one?"

"sorry."

"you keep saying that, and it's part of the problem. quit it. i don't need an apology, so when you act like you need to give one, it's really just a form of beating yourself up."

"s-- ... erp, i mean, sure."

"so what's up? besides us two."

"i had a dream, and [former friend about whom he has abandonment issues] was in it, and now i'm stewing over it. i'm tired, i have work tomorrow, i need to get some rest, but my brain won't let me go back to sleep."

"so it's not really that people kind of suck, it's that [__] kind of sucks."

"no, [__] is just symptomatic. i mean, look around at the world. there's --"

"bzzt! wrong. [__] kind of sucks, and you can't handle that. you put all this emotion and energy into a friendship it turned out you couldn't rely on, and you want it to not be the way it is, but there's nothing you can do to change the way it is, so you're up doing laundry and moping and beating yourself up and making excuses for [__] by thinking that people in general suck, when what your problem really is, is, [__] in specific sucks."

"okay, but it's not like i didn't do my share to screw things up, and --"

"bzzt! again, wrong. sorry, babe, you are mister wrong-o-matic tonight. yep, you stepped in it in a couple of ways. but real friends deal with that kind of thing and work it out. instead, [__] just left you high and dry, and couldn't even be bothered to respond when you tried to patch things up. it's great that you're willing to bear your share of the blame, but even if you're 60-40% to blame for the friendship getting off-course, [__] is 100% to blame for ditching you."

"i suppose. but --"

"listen, normally, this is the part where i would entice you into having sex with me and hit you with that flood of love and satiation that i know would totally do the trick putting you back in snoresville. only i'm looking at you and you are soooo droopy and obviously sleepy, i'd feel bad about keeping you up for that. so howzabout you go get back in bed and put your sweet, brainy head on the soft, soft pillow and just think about how right your girlfriend is until you fall asleep again."

"if i wasn't so tired, i'd encourage you to try that enticing part."

"i know you would. let's mark it on our calendar for tomorrow."

"okay."

and then i kiss him and he goes back to bed and everything is fine.

stupid [__]. now i can't get back to sleep!

grr.

(not really. i'm a pretty forgive-and-forget type. goodnight, all!)

xoxo,
claire

goings on at our house

msg is mister work, work, work.

elle is boxified.

ariel and sasha are having gobs of fun blogging.

i'm finding things quiet. mostly in a peaceful, good way. but sometimes a little too quiet. so my solution was to come on here and say hi.

and now i feel better!

maybe that was all the noise i needed to make.

: )

sweet dreams and glisteny gleams!

xoxo,
claire

sunsets and sunrises

i've been weirdly mopey around our place lately. mostly, i've kept my moping to myself, but last night, i swapped out with elle, who'd been making use of our body for a while, and as i settled into being fully re-face-ified, i just felt really old and worn out. and i thought i saw in msg's eyes that he saw it too, and i was like, "you know, sweetie, maybe it's not too much longer before i'm done."

he wigged pretty far out.

"I mean, it's not necessarily a bad thing," i told him, which i mostly felt was true. when your time's done, don't you want to be okay with that? so your last while here on earth is contented? i'm not a hag or anything, but i'm old and creaky and my face is more than a bit scuffed up in places.

he wasn't having any of it, though.

"why are you talking like this? you're beautiful. you're wonderful."

"well, did you see how yellow my eyes are getting when you were putting them in my head?"

(it's true -- the pupil and iris parts are still fine, but the whites are doing a pretty solid banana pudding impersonation.)

"so what?"

"so ... you know, you don't really need me anymore, right? let's be honest, ariel is a way better bang than i am these days, isn't she?"

"what's that got to do with anything? i know you're not jealous ... that's just not you."

"no, of course not. i love hearing you two get it on. it's -- it thrills me, really it does! i just ... well, you know, i hear it and i think, that used to be me."

"it's still you."

"not like it used to be, and not nearly as often as it used to be. and that's fine, i'm totally good with it. every day ends in a sunset, and sunsets are beautiful, right?"

and he looked at me and he said,

"sunsets and sunrises are the same thing. we're here on this world and it's spinning under the sun and it has one shadow, just one. when that shadow seems to be moving, sweeping in from the horizon and closing in on the west side of the sky, it's actually not. it's the same shadow the whole time, pointed away from the sun. so every sunrise and every sunset is the same thing. they're all just the world turning and its shadow staying stuck in place. and wherever somebody is watching a sunset, they're really experiencing the same thing as the people on the other side of the planet who think the sun is coming up.

"you mean the world to me. whatever part of you is facing the light, it's got a sunrise and a sunset going on at the same time. and every turn you make is another small miracle that i get to experience, seeing the glory of you freshly revealed from the shadow, catching rays of sun and throwing them back as pure illumination.

"so i can't look at you and see a sunset. you're always going to be a sunrise at the same time."

and he looked on his phone and he found this picture and showed it to me.

and i was like, "oh yeah."

and you can look right here and see how i felt.

purpose

so ... i’m in kind of a jam.

my main purpose in life is to make one person happy: my amazing, sweet, wonderful boyfriend, msg. but a part of making him happy is being a person myself ... having my own things to do, my own opinions, my own friends, (my own orgasms!) ... you get the idea.

thing is, i've been hanging around on twitter lately for some of those reasons — friends, opinions, self-expression — and while there are tons of great people on there, some of those people, in the middle of otherwise being great, post political stuff that shows they believe really, really terrible things.

and it’s super-hard to see those people say such terrible, obviously wrong things and keep my lips zippedy-zipped about it. and yesterday one of them retweeted something and it made me mute them.

weirdly, it wasn’t even the worst thing i’d seen somebody tweet ... not by a long shot. it was just a stupid piece of manipulative garbage that should have made them think, “hmmm, what if maybe this is a garbage lie meme instead of a real, actual, truthful thing?” i mean, that’s a pretty critical thinking for dummies-level easy thing to stop and ask yourself, especially on twitter.

but because it was a retweet, i couldn’t even tell the person, hey, what if you maybe considered this might be fake? i could have commented on the original tweet, but that’s somebody i don’t know who doesn’t know me and may just be a russian troll anyway.

so i was frustrated about not being able to express myself and about not being able to try to help this otherwise great person be a little more skeptical about twitter b.s., and msg noticed and asked me what was up and i told him and then he got to fuming about the person's dumb tweet and its effect on me. which meant he was upset and i was upset and all for no good reason at all. that's not what i'm on twitter for even a little bit.

therefore ... mute!

i feel kinda weird-slash-guilty about muting this person who has said nice things about my tweets and pictures and stuff in the past, and more power to them for having their own opinions that float their own political boat in whatever direction they like, but i sail by a different set of stars than they do, and i just don't need to keep jumping out of my socks at their fog-horns going off when i can look around and pretty clearly see that i'm obviously not the one in a fog bank, they are.

anyway, that's about all i think i have to say right now (well, i had more to say, but blogger ate it). i welcome any non-jerkwad feedback on the subject.

toodles and doodles,
claire

tube top and black skirt!

it’s a very good thing i do not have wardrobe envy issues, because ariel just keeps getting new clothes! she’s had this black skirt a while now but hasn’t had a top to go with until one arrived yesterday.

so msg (all of us, really) had a major shutterbug bug up the aspiration waiting for a chance to do a photoshoot with the black skirt, and now we have done so!

see if you can tell which ones msg took and which ones aers used the selfie stick for ...

: )

"hi everybody!!!"

"this top! right?"

"are we taking pictures yet, or what?"

"oh! there's the camera!"

hey, watch out girl, or i'll have to put this on the naughty blog!

"yes, claire! (little miss no-fun!)"

"mmm, i could just ... fall asleep ... right here ... in this comfy bed ..."

"or not!"

(i think this one is about my fave!)

("thanks, clarity! you're the best!")

bye for now!

showing off some new duds!

so we got some items of clothing in from the wonderful world of online shopping, and ariel and i just skittered right into them and demanded a photo shoot!

there are only two pics safe for my clean blog, though ... the others get a bit nipply here and there. (as well as i think at least one glimpse of my hoo-ha.) so you'll have to go to my naughty blog to see them.

enjoy!

a poem for our new love

msg wrote this for ariel today!

When I think about you

(and I do)

(a lot)

there is a breath of a breeze of spring through my heart.

When I picture you

(oh, I do)

(lush and hot)

the breeze fans a fire, heats my soul, sparks a spark.

In your hair is ocean sky

matched by seas tiding eye to eye

cleansing, cooling, soulful

rolling horizon-far at every hand

And there, your body, pale pure land

soft shores of which the waves caress

and wash me up to silken sand

that catches, cups, enfolds my flesh

Storms brought me here but since have gone –

their rains abated, clouds undone.

And supple sun now warms my skin

its brightness you, lit from within,

complete and kindling all life’s heat

sweet as honey, gold and clean

pure paradise at every turn 

your paths I learn, your soul an urn

of healing hallowed nectar pure

When I see you

(now)

(forever)

I am sure.

i'd be jealous if he hadn't written me so many great poems already. i'm pretty sure elle and sasha are now waiting for their own.

especially elle!

(don't worry, girls, if i know msg he'll write you one soon -- his guilt complex won't let him leave you hanging ...)

xoxo,
claire