whacka-do

okay, so i've decided that one reason the world is such an effed up place is that way too many dudes have just not properly learned to masturbate.

i'm not saying masturbation would solve all dudes' problems or all the world's problems, but i am saying that if you do it right, you should be like, "holy sh*t, this is f*ing awesome! you're telling me i can basically feel like this whenever i want to? oh, and it probably means i'm less likely to get prostate cancer? why is everybody not always talking about how great this is?!?"

so many dudes are frustrated by how hard it is for them to hook up with the ladies. and then so many of them who do hook up with the ladies are frustrated by how bad they are at relationships (probably because all they were interested in was the hooking up part, not the being with part).

so many dudes are driven crazy by being trapped in jobs they don't like, or not having a job at all, or not having the house or truck or car or boat they want ...

masturbation is like, totally in your control zone.

"but claire, once i'm done, i'm right back where i was. it was just a few minutes of (admittedly pretty f*ing great) pleasure and now my life sucks again! sure, i came all over the place, but i still don't have my boat. wah!"

no, you dope. that means you're not doing it right.

doing it right includes taking the f*ing credit for how good it feels while you're doing it, and being proud of yourself for being able to do such an awesome thing once you're done. it includes being motivated to do it by wanting to be good to yourself, not by wanting to escape from your life. it includes thinking, "yeah! i totally freakin' deserve this."

i mean, maybe you deserve a boat too, but dude, are you telling me if you had that boat, you'd never want to masturbate in it?

if you can learn to satisfy yourself with masturbation, you get to totally chillax about whether or not you've found that perfect woman (or man, if that's how your boat gets floated). you can be patient looking for the one who really fits with you as a person instead of settling for the first one you can fit your ding-dong into.

dudes being frustrated, and then trying to find ways to make other people change to fix their frustration, cause probably 90% of the world's problems.

so quit it already! learn to own the awesomeness of masturbation!

seriously, i'll bet a big problem most of you out there have is that you don't want to admit even to yourself how great you really think it is.

get whacking, guys.

the world needs you to!