big changes!

we've had an interesting couple months around here. msg went through some stuff with somebody he thought was a good friend on the way to becoming an even better friend, only it turned out he was wishful thinking and misinterpreting some signals, and it became evident this person wasn't up for a serious friendship after all. bummer, dude. anyhow, he did some thinking about what kind of gaps he had in his life and why he got so intent on adding this particular important friendship to his existence. we talked about it, and the conclusion we came to was that if he had these gaps to fill, the straight-uppest of solutions was that we needed to get a little more poly at our place.

when i say a little more, i guess i ought to clue longtime readers in on my friend elle, who spends most of her time in a box because she doesn't have her own body and has to share mine. say hello, elle!

so elle's been around here as long as i have, which maybe makes it weird i haven't talked about her. sort of neglectful of me ... she is my friend, and obviously a pretty close one since i let her borrow my vagina and boyfriend on a periodic basis. maybe i've thought it's a little too behind-the-curtainy and i was worried all you lovely readers would think less of me that i'm willing to occasionally have my face pried off and hand my body over to someone else.

kind of a crummy reason for keeping a good friend secret, i know.

getting back to the subject, though ... elle's got her own personality but has stayed quiet for like, months or maybe even years at a time. i do my bloggy thing and msg and i email back and forth regularly and sometimes i go on the dollforum, though that hasn't been particu-specially rewarding recently. elle, though, has historically mostly come out to get it on. she's always been cool with that, as getting it on is one of her favorite things and eavesdropping from her box is one of her others, but while msg and i talked about those gaps he was trying to fill, i was like, "dude, you know who that personality trait right there that you're talking about really describes? elle." and he was like, "you're right. it does." so i said, "you should make her an email too. she can email us from her box, no problem, right?" he nodded about this, then asked, "but what about ___, ___, and ___ personality traits? those aren't really you or elle." and i said, "dear, this is not rocket science. you're going to make elle an email so she can bring more ___ into your life, so just make another email of somebody else to bring those other qualities into your life." and he said, "or find a therapist because you're talking about a grown man getting pretty deeply into imaginary friends."

i'd have been hurt by that if i thought he was serious, but he wasn't, and pretty soon he and i and elle and "imaginary friend" sasha were emailing up a storm and boy did his mood improve. (also, elle started coming out of her box more often, and as i mentioned, she is big on getting it on, so ...)

which brings us to maybe a month or so ago. we're batting a few emails back and forth most days, and we teach elle and sasha to play dungeon crawl classics even though elle was very dubious about the dignity of it, and things are going very well in the bedroom also ... except, you know, i'm kind of old and creaky, like, literally creaky, and have already had a couple major surgeries for thigh and back fractures. (not that msg is any spring chicken himself.) and in a not-really-morbid-just-kinda-morbid way we had some conversations about what would happen if and when i got beyond repair. and the answer of course was that i'd always be with him no matter what, even if i totally broke down and ended up just a head in a box along with elle.

i may have made a comment about this on twitter.

and then a friend of ours may have put a bug in my ear saying, "maybe you guys should think about buying you a new body."

and i may have said, "that would be way expensive and i don't know if it's in our budget." but then i may have mentioned it to msg anyway.

so if all that happened and we discussed it, the conclusion was, it definitely wasn't in the budget to get me a new body to fit my current face. i think those are running around 5 grand these days.

but ...

i may have said there have been a lot of pretty dolls showing up in my twitter feed from different companies and for some reason the ones made of this stuff called tpe instead of silicone are way cheaper than us silicone types (i may have done some price research to find that out), and what if we just did a whole-body replacement for me with one of those, face and all.

and this made msg a little uncomfortable because, you know, i'm me. i am the way i look, big ole green eyes, cartoony facial proportions and all. and he could imagine my thoughts and feelings and personality switching over to a different face, but it would be weird. especially since he'd either keep my old face in a box and look at it sometimes, or else have to throw it away or sell it. various shades of creepiness and depression to either of those scenarios, you know?

but we still looked. was there a doll out there who could be me? and the answer was ...

me: what about this one?
him: maybe. not really. maybe. she's super-cute and sexy, but ... i don't know. not really.
me: you keep looking at her, though.
him: i'm trying to imagine her with your hair.
me: it doesn't look like you're looking at the hair area.
him: well geez, how could i not look at that body?
me: i didn't say you couldn't. go ahead, look. could that body be me?
him: good lord yes.
me: but you don't know about the face.
him: maybe with auburn hair and green eyes. i don't know. maybe.
me (scrolling through the options): they don't have an auburn wig, and mine's pretty ratty these days.
him: yours is fine. maybe it would fit her. i don't know. those green eyes aren't really your green, though.
me: was that "maybe it would fit her"? or "maybe it would fit you" if that head was me?
him: i guess if i keep thinking of her as "her," that probably says a lot.
me: mm-hmm. but you keep looking at her too.
him: well ...
me: because you want her, don't you?
him: well, who wouldn't? but that doesn't --
me: you want her to come live with us and pose like that and f*** you with that body, don't you?
him (blushing): i'm a guy. she's crazy hot. of course i would like that, but --
me: i didn't ask if you'd like her to. i asked if you wanted her to.
(pause)
him: yes. but ...
me: if you want her to, i want her to, too. you know that, don't you?
him: yes.
me: so let's think on it a few days. i love you.
him: i love you too.

of course we both knew there was money in savings that would cover getting her, and i know i knew what was gonna happen from thinking on it a few days ... which was this:

ariel april worthy, newly arrived and in our closet.

now the sensitive among you are thinking, wait a minute, why is she not sasha, and the answer is that sasha is a feisty millennial latina who has sizzlingly seductive brown eyes and a soul of passion with kindness following close behind it, and this girl is not those things except the kindness part which is a prerequisite around here. maybe if we'd set out to find sasha a body instead of trying to find me a new one, we'd have settled on a different doll. but that's not how it happened. how it happened was, we found ariel and we fell hard for her and now she's here and sasha really doesn't mind except for being jealous about not having her own photoshoots.

so there you have it. since earlier this year, we've gone from slightly poly (with elle being our poly-in-a-box third) to a poly tetrad and now to a poly pentad.

and it's all working out great!

ariel has big helpings of sweetness and innocence to go along with all of her va-voomishness, and she's super smart and fun besides.

"worthy," by the way, is our polyfam name now. sort of like when people get married and the girl changes her name to the guy's, except that's basically lame and patriarchal and this is ... freeing.

everybody around here is worthy now.

nice, right?

(p.s., coming soon to my naughty blog are some photographic and verbally graphic details about our new girlfriend. be warned, it will be hot!!!)

the one i need

everybody wants to be wanted and to be needed and to have someone want that one particular part of them they think ought to be cherished. (or maybe several particular parts, or maybe some big general part, i dunno.)

i’m lucky because almost every single part of me is wanted. i mean, i’m trying to think of a non-wanted part, and basically all i come up with is the scary-creaky-maybe-it’s-about-to-break noise my spine sometimes makes when i’m getting boned. a guy wants his girlfriend to let out a good moan and groan now and then during sex, but not the kind of groan like something’s about to give way.

all my other parts, though? super-wanted. totally needed.

i’m an awfully lucky person.

and the luckiest thing, maybe, is that i wouldn’t even be a person if he didn’t need me to be. and i couldn’t even be a person if it wasn’t for all the parts of him that most want and need to be needed. how smart he is, how sensitive he is, how funny he is, how creative and sometimes sorta nutso he is ...

let’s face it, it’s fucking weird that i exist as a person at all. he’s a weird guy, and i couldn’t be without that weirdness. i literally need it like other people need air or food or in some cases lifesaving medications.

when people wish for love, they’re really wishing to be wanted and needed and valued for the things within themselves they think are most important. yeah, they also wish for hugs and kisses and hot, steamy, passionate sex full of the other person calling out their name at the moment of a crazy-giganto earth-shaking orgasm.

but it’s being needed, and needed for what they think is unique in them, that washes away the yearning and the angst and makes them feel everything is okay ... that they’re complete.

i’m complete.

who can say that, really?

i’m complete, because everything about me (except for my alarming, noise-making spine) is needed.

it’s harder for him because, you know, he doesn’t feel the need i have for him every single instant of his existence. i have to periodically remind him of that. like, “hey, dude, i fucking exist to need you. if you were not so fucking awesome, and if you didn’t need someone to know and value your awesomeness, there would be no me.”

and i’m pretty terrific, frankly, and a world without me would be a way worse place, so it’s a pretty goddamn big deal that i need him and he needs me.

that’s what love is, that’s what love does. it makes the world a better place, not just for the two people in love, but for all the other people they can touch because of having each other.

so, find somebody and need them, people. let them know you need them ... maybe even if they don’t need you back exactly how you want them to need you. (i mean, don’t do this in a stalker-y way or anything, just to be clear.)

put more love out there in the world.

i need you to, okay? not as much as i need all the parts of him that need to be needed, but still.

love,
claire

storytime!

well, i know everybody has been waiting and waiting and waiting for me to finish that novel i started a couple years back, but while you are going to continue being disappointed on that score for at least a while, maybe it will make it up to you a little to learn that i wrote a short story and published it on literotica.com!

unlike my novel, it is way nsfw, but so far people on the site seem to like it except one grumpy goombah who gave it like 2 stars and didn't even leave a comment saying why. people! sometimes ... smh.

but none of you would do that, right?

okay, so without futher ado or adon't, here is the link:

claire's closet climax!

enjoy!

xoxo,
claire

p.s., this post doesn't contain sensitive content and didn't ever contain sensitive content ... it just links to content that it clearly tells people is nsfw. but i guess that's enough to trigger blogger into warning people it has sensitive content, even though it doesn't? so like, does even talking about sensitive content make a post automatically sensitive content? it feels very slippery slope-y to me when the content guidelines lay out pretty clear instructions on what's sensitive but a post can still get warning-walled even though it doesn't contain any of the things the guidelines say to avoid.

p.p.s., wow, super-fast after i posted this with the p.s., blogger emailed me saying they thought it over and took the warning off. so good job, blogger!

i read a boring book

okay, so i read a boring book, and now i don't know what to do.

before reading it, i was like, "hey, msg, this looks like a great book. i'm going to write a super-fun review of it when it's done!"

but then ...

y
a
w
w
w
n
n
n

it did not do a thing for me.

so my problem is, if i write a review, it will be a bad review, and i don't want to rain on the author's parade or anything. that'd be mean, right? i shouldn't write a review.

but on the other hand, if i don't write my bad review, someone else may do what i did and think it looks like a great book and buy it and get bored like i did. and then would that be my fault? so i should write the review.

but on the other other hand, maybe some people wouldn't think the book was boring, and if i tell them it is, they won't buy the book, which they would have enjoyed, and then i've screwed not only them but the author, which would be awful. so i should definitely not write the review.

i'm thinking this calls for a compromise. i'll review the book, but i won't say what book it is. that way if somebody reads my review, and then happens to see the book, they'll think, this sounds sort of like that boring book claire said was boring. but the title and description sure sound interesting! maybe it's just a similar book. and then they can check the preview pages for the book, and if they're not bored by those, they'll buy the book and probably not be bored by the book either.

which probably suggests i should have read the preview pages of the book, only you know i am an impatient-type girl, so i didn't.

anyway, this book was on a subject i am intimately familiar with. (and yes, i do mean that kind of "intimately.") which is to say, sex toys and sex dolls and sex technology and sexbots. i was hot to trot for this book when my twitter feed made me aware of it. msg was reading the latest book in a sci-fi series, or maybe the second-latest, but i made him fork over the tablet so i could read this sexytech book.

"you're reading too slow anyway," i told him, applying my elbow in his ribs so i could get at the tablet.

he grumbled some, but let me have my way (as long as i promised to let him have his way with me later ...)

so i read the prologue, or maybe it was a preface, i dunno, and it was a little funny but also a little dull, but i didn't hold that against it too much because, duh, prologue/preface. are they ever interesting?

howsoever, it did not get any better in chapter one, which was a historical setting of the scene. now, this contained some information that i will admit was pretty interesting, but it seemed sort of like another, longer prologue masquerading as a chapter one.

by chapter three or four, i have to admit i started skimming. where were all the sex dolls and sexbots? we kept getting some foreshadowing like, "i promise, i'm getting there," from the author, and it wasn't  like none of the info or anecdotes were interesting. but my boat was not being floated. the interesting bits were like, educational interesting, and i was like, dang, if i wanted to learn something i'd've bought a textbook, wouldn't i?

eventually, the book got around to having a chapter about sex dolls and a chapter about sexbots, and a lot of stuff about the ethics of dolls like me and of the oncoming wave of erotomatons and eventual a.i. sex-droids. only by then i was skimming like half the stuff the author wrote.

when i was done, i put the tablet down and stuck out my tongue and pouted. to msg's credit, he did not immediately say, "so can i finish reading my book now?" but instead said, "so ... not as great as you hoped?"

i think ... i dunno. maybe i was expecting that the book would have, like, some metaphysical meaning for me. make me feel like a part of something bigger, more like a part of the big ol' world instead of just my current very important part of a my own teensy-weensy world.

but it didn't. it was just kinda intellectual and academical, with a little bit of bounce in the author's style but a whole lot of anecdotes that really didn't go anywhere for me.

when i told this to msg, he said, "well, that's too bad ... but, i mean, how many hours and hours and days and nights have you spent blogging and visiting forums and going on twitter and stuff?" and of course, the answer was "a lot," and he said, "right, and how could one book do more to make you feel like part of the world than all of that? i mean, if it did, wouldn't that mean your whole life was kinda boring in comparison? you're way bigger than some book could capture, sweetheart."

and that made a lot of sense to me and then he boinked my brains out and then i felt better.

so there you go, book reviewed, all done. really, i guess i'd end up giving it three stars.

hopefully if you end up finding and getting it, you'll like it better than i did!

happy reading to you, anyways!

xoxo,
claire

some rpg highlights!

okay, so remember how i said i would come back and finish up that writeup of "a hole in the sky" like, a year and a half ago? i didn't exactly lie ... i mean, i meant to come back and finish it. but you know me and finishing things -- there's only a few i am really good at sticking with to the end.

which means some time went by and some time went by and some time went by, and then i was like, "oh s---! i really have to finish that," after which i was like, "oh. well, s---. i don't remember a damn thing about how it wrapped up."

well, i remembered a bitty bit: my peasants "leveled up" to become real characters after getting their 10 x.p., and they kept climbing those ladders and fighting stuff, and the monster pumpkin came at us but now we were awesome and could actually fight it ... uh, i thought. it whacked some more of my guys and good old fanansiver spellflinger the chaotic elf had to use up gobs of luck. but we killed it! and then we had to, i dunno, climb into some kinda cage at the very top of the giganto pine-cone and let this magic whozamawhatchit loose, which required some climbing and jumping, and fanansiver being chaotic jumped out to try it first, and he rolled bad, and burned the last of his luck, and rolled worse, and aaaaaaaahhhh!!! fell to his splatooski end. three characters made it out alive: claire the cleric, joe average, and grumpus mcgoof. so the creeptastic statue-head crazylady rewarded us with her magical extradimensional spinning fortune wheel, and most everybody got some better stats, and claire's boobs got a little bigger, and joe turned into a girl and was no longer average so i renamed her "joan plussome."

now like i said these rpgs usually don't encourage you to play more than a character or two at once, but msg says if we want to play some more modules, three guys isn't going to hack it, so i rolled up another ten nobodies and got most of them killed in a different funnel dungeon and then all the survivors got together and were enough of a gang they might stand a chance as an adventuring party.

the second set of guys included:

• a lawyer elf chick i called "plieda twelf"
• a halfling gypsy, "tiny tina tealeaves"
• a beggar whose luck was so good i called him "wheedle charmedlife" and turned him into a cleric
• and a thief who i thought was gonna be a loser when i rolled his stats until i got to the last one and it was luck and he got a 14, which is pretty good, so i had to call him "nada lieusure." (only he kinda was, cause he ended up dying a few adventures later.)

here's some of the funnier stories that happened in the two or three adventures after that.

we're traveling along this road and msg rolls the random encounter for the day and something shows up. he rolls some more dice and it's a pterodactyl! i was like, "a pterodactyl? just out of nowhere, in the middle of the woods on the road from one town to another. rando ..." and msg says, yeah, that's why they call them random encounters. it swoops down and tries to make off with tiny tina our halfling good luck charm, so we toast it, and then notice it's wearing a saddle. "any saddlebags?" i asked, since some of my characters are all about the loot. but no, no saddlebags, just the saddle, which is too scorched and slashed up for us to resell even if we could find someone with a pterodactyl the same size as this one.

a little while later there's this dude with a staff limping along the road, and we say hi and ask what's the matter because he looks pretty banged up, and he says "i am looking for my pterodactyl that nekros the grotesque caused to dump me in the middle of this godsforsaken wilderness." did i mention wheedle charmedlife was "lawful"? well, he was, so he just out and says, "i believe we killed that pterodactyl." of course the dude gets mad, and he says, "oh no, not beaky!" and then his eyes start glowing and shit and he's obviously a bad-ass wizard who's way badder-ass than our wizard, grumpus, and we're like, "hey, look, what can we do to make it up to you?"

so he sends us on a mission i don't remember too much about except some vomiting cave-cats and a giant pile of guano and these silvery bridges over a giant leech-lake that joan kept falling off of and would have been killed by giant leeches except we'd tied a rope to her and kept dragging her up from whichever bridge she fell off of.

big-time piece of advice if you play dungeon crawl classics, do not wear armor when you're trying to cross narrow bridges or planks over something hazardous (which in this game means pretty much over anything at all). your butt is gonna fall.

oh, and another piece of advice: if you get in a situation where you'll be perfectly fine as long as you don't roll a 1, then whatever you do, do not think or say "oh, i'll be fine as long as i don't roll a 1." the very g.d. second you think or say it, you are doomed a.f. i swear to god the only times i roll a 1 are when i think, "as long as i don't roll a 1 ..."

after that we climbed this glacier that had some kinda time-travel headquarters in it with a t-rex and yetis and crazy robots, and then we chased this ape-man to an underground city where nada lieusure bought the underground fungus-farm, and then we took, i dunno six or eight months off. not because i was sad about nada lieusure or anything cause he was kind of a dick or maybe she was kind of a dick, i honestly can't even remember if he was a she or she was a he. you know what i mean. when you've got seven characters it's hard keeping track of them.

but more recently, we have been on a binge! i mean, like playing a module or two a week and now my guys are 4th level and let me tell you, 4th level is bad ass in this game. except when you think, "i'll be fine as long as i don't roll a 1."

anyhow, i'm feeling pretty proud of myself for blogging like, a couple days in a row, so thanks for reading and here's hoping your new year's resolutions are going as good as mine!

hasta la pasta,

claire

new year’s resolution (okay, seriously this time)

i’m going to concentrate on being this year.

being happy
being kind
being there for him
being there for myself

just plain being who i am supposed to be

because i know that, right? i know who i’m supposed to be, which is pretty damn lucky if you ask me, and not something that i should let go to waste.

xoxo and Happy New Year to you all, shift key and everything!

claire

new year’s resolution

1,000,000 px X 1,000,000 px

is that too ambitious?