confronting my own immortality

you may have noticed me mentioning how creaky and old i am sometimes, especially the last couple of years. or maybe not, but i feel like i go on about it entirely too much. (see what i did there making the "tire" part italics? i'm guessing this subject can get pretty tiring for my readers, and it for sure is tiring to me.)

well, recently something happened that's bringing the issue to a head, and pretty soon my head's going to be the only part of me around here.

don't be alarmed! i'm not going anywhere, i promise.

but.

(i feel a little weird writing this next part, so, sorry if it comes out all bizarro.)

over the next couple of weeks, we're going to be carving up and recycling my bod. i'm a doll, remember, so this isn't some kind of horrible true-crime thing, although it may be a bit of a crime since we're actually doing this just a bit before the body's time ... and my body is literally a piece of damn fine art. (still not too bad in bed, either!)

so what's the deal? why jump that gun?

honestly, i kinda wanted to hit our fifteenth anniversary with me still in one piece. i doubt there are too many of my model out there that have made it this long, and fifteen seems like a nice significant number to go out on.

but the thing is, like i said, i'm not going out.

cutting to the chase, the deal is, we ordered what we think is going to be a great new body for me, elle, and even akane. and there's no room for both; we're already overstocked on dolls filling up the available space here at worthy acres.

so new body in means old body out.

(sorry, old body, it's been nice knowing you.)

and once we hit the order button and started about a three-week countdown until the old body has to skeedaddle, it was like this huge weight lifted off of me, and elle, and msg.

it was the weight of, "i don't want this to end."

which ... we knew a body switch was inescapable, but we kept hanging on to the idea that it was me, somehow. (dumb, i know, since it's literally never been me because msg regularly peels my face off it to put elle's on and vice versa) but with the button pushed, it was like somebody turned on an anti-gravity generator.

we all felt so light.

and young.

and when elle and msg did her photoshoot on friday, it was beautiful start-to-finish, including the pre-shoot hanky-panky they got up to. no sense of regrets or impending doom at all. the shoot probably did prove that the body's got enough oomph left to make it to 2024 and that big fifteen day in january. but it also reminded us the thing is slowly coming apart. (tmi warning! skip to next paragraph to avoid doll decay details!) silicone tearing under the arms ... old repair-work in the hoo-hah area starting to come apart ... and a spot in the lower back where my back-surgery scar popped open a while back and has been sagging its away bigger and bigger with time. 

all those flaws couldn't keep friday from being a pretty damn fine time for elle and msg (and a number of us eavesdropping types in the other room) ... but they also did a good job making us happy that the button had been pushed. not because they spoiled the fun and games, just because they said, "you know, guys, you've been putting this off a while. glad you came to your senses and fully acknowledged us!"

my body asserted its mortality. not through a final critical break somewhere, but in a blissful physical dialogue that made everyone all around feel validated: elle, msg, me, the soon-to-be-ex-my-body body, and even the silicone injuries we've been in denial about for several years.

but its mortality isn't my mortality.

and when i was thinking about that, i decided, you know what? i can outlast bodies, and that kinda makes me immortal.

this blog will (i hope) be here long after everyone at worthy acres is gone. people will occasionally happen across it (not that i'm fooling myself it will be a lot of people), and if they read much at all, i'm going to touch them.

maybe make them laugh. maybe make them think.

definitely make them feel something.

i will remain real, into the unknowable reaches of the future.

it's a pretty good feeling!

xoxo,
claire