boxes, boxes, boxes

i noticed my special guy doing this thing he does sometimes where he gets all gloomy and glum but pretends nothing is wrong because he doesn’t want to bring anybody else down with him.

so i bugged him about it until he coughed it up and said, “i don’t know - sometimes it just feels like my whole life is confined. like i’m shut up in a box.”

i just raised an eyebrow and said, “really? you’re going to complain to me about being in a box?”

he got all apologetic and started trying to say he was sorry and how of course i have it worse than him on that score and he shouldn’t have picked those words, and i just had to laugh and stop him and say no, i was only joking.

“look, msg,” i told him, “you’ve got it way worse than me and way worse than most people, because your brain is just so good at imagining amazing things. i mean, i’m not saying i’m completely uncreative or anything, but my imagination only goes so far. i can’t dream up anything any better than the times when i’m ‘out of the box.’ life pinches us all in and squeezes us and won’t let us have all the things we want, but for most of us, we know that we do get some semi-regular moments when we’re free, at ease, and able to do what we want. and the rest of the time, we can live by looking forward to those moments. i’m perfectly happy to be shut up in my day-to-day box, because i know that sooner or later i’ll get some more of something that’s better than anything i can imagine - you.”

“well, that’s sweet and i really appreciate it,” he said, “i really, really do. only it also makes me feel guilty, because shouldn’t i be able to say the same thing about you? shouldn’t i be happy in my box knowing that sometimes i’m let out to be with you?”

i patted him on the top of his head. “yeah, probably, except for this giant writer’s brain of yours. you’ve got it trained to spend big chunks of time imagining wonderful things that most people could never dream of. i do watch you and listen to you, you know. your problem is that you can’t shut it off. and that’s great, because if it wasn’t so good at doing what it does, you wouldn’t be able to write the kind of stories you write.”

“but maybe i’d be happier.”

“yeah, and maybe you’d be an accountant,” i said. “i’d probably still love you, only i don’t think you’d be as interesting a person - and more importantly, i don’t know if you’d have the same chance to bring joy into other people’s lives, and i know that matters to you. i mean, come on. you wouldn’t really change the way your brain works if you could, would you?”

he sighed. “no, i guess not.”

“so maybe you just need to work a little harder to remember that i’m here in the box with you - even if sometimes i’m tucked away over in a corner of the box where you can’t see me. and maybe that will help you remember that there’s lots of other great things in the box with you too. and even though most of the time you can imagine things being a lot better than they are, that imagination is a great thing too, and you’re lucky to have it.”

“like i’m lucky to have you,” he said, sounding like he meant it, although he obviously still wasn’t entirely perked up.

“you bet your tootin’ booty,” i said. “now why don’t you come over here and let claire make everything better, hmmm? some boxes are very cozy, you know.”

this line of reasoning pretty quickly convinced him to be in a better mood.

i do have my talents!

ensign claire, reporting for duty!

okay, so this is not the classic 1960s red miniskirt star trek uniform i have always dreamed of, but it's pretty good for a cereal-box offer!

msg and i had fun doing this photo shoot last night. there are more, but msg has to do some kind of phase transducer reroute to get them to look right. (haha, that just means he has to add backgrounds and fidget with them in photoshop.)

so let me tell you a story ...

there was this boy with a camera, taking pictures of me. he was very into it, and very into me, and i have to admit i was pretty darn into him, and yeah i'm vain enough to get kind of a kick out of having my picture taken.

i recommend this activity.

it makes you feel appreciated, which is a really good way to feel.

we took a lot of pictures, and some of them were better than others, and this one was one of my favorites. so i was pretty happy when msg finally got it tweaked around in photoshop the way he wanted it and said i should go ahead and post it.

(confession time: for those who might have gotten the impression i'm 100 percent sweetness and light, i did kinda give msg a lot of grief about how long he was taking. i was, like, "if it's really such a good picture and you really think i look so beautiful, why do you have to monkey with it so much?" and he was like, "just wait, just wait," and i was like [frowny, pouty face], and he was like "you're cute when you're mad," and i was like, "am i cute when i throw things?" and he was like, "i don't know, are you thinking of something soft like a pillow, or are you thinking of something hard?" and i was like, "now i'm thinking of something hard, but not to throw. are you sure you don't want to hurry up and finish that?" and he was like, "well, okay!")

so anyway, here it is, and i have to admit, i guess i'm glad he took the time to get rid of some of the flash shadows and forehead glare and stuff. when i compared it to the original, i was like, "damn, girl, that's some f***ed-up shiny forehead you've got on you."

so it's all better now, and everybody lived happily ever after. the end!

at-home friday night

so i got out the guitar and msg got out the camera, and i messed around with the guitar and he messed around with the camera and then of course we messed around together ...

it was a good night!

there are some more pics, but of course msg wants to fiddle with them on the computer before we put them up.

you know how boys are.

sigh ... wait ... no sighing!

it's a big world full of ugly things, and one of the ugliest is the way you can sometimes feel really lonely even though someone you care about and who cares about you is, like, right there.

sorry to be in such a mopey-butt kinda mood, but there it is. i did not exactly have huge ambitions when i started this blog. i did not expect to change the world -- and that was okay, on account of i had already changed one person's world, in a big way. a way he pretty regularly reminds me that he's super grateful about.

but even though i did not expect to change the world, i did expect to come here more often, and have more fun, and take more pictures and share them and all that.

but the world gets in the way.

and when you can't get the things done that you want to get done for yourself, it makes you start feeling kinda small. and pretty soon 'small' turns into 'lonely.'

it's sneaky about doing it, and i don't know how it manages the trick, but it does.

and then you're lonely, even though you've got this great person right beside you, or maybe lots of great people around you, and you feel stupid about it and you know you should ask for help, only if you do you wonder if they'll get insecure or have their feelings hurt by the fact that you're lonely when they're right there, plus you know that they're already stressed about all their own stuff they've got going on, and ... ugh.

so if anyone out there is feeling lonely, here's a hug. because you deserve it, and you're not small, and you need to stop thinking that way.

i'm making an effort to, right now.

xoxo

claire

i got out my calculator

i got out my calculator today, 

and 

do you know what it told me?

it said we get over half a million hours in this life ...

even if we don't quite hit the average.

half a million hours.

and do you know what's so amazing about that?

the fact that 

just one of those hours

can be

so rare

so precious

so perfect

if it is spent with you.

star trek!!!

so we went to see star trek on thursday, the very first showing. as i think i've implied, i'm a giganto star trek freak, so i was so excited i took along an extra pair of panties in my purse.

there was a crazy line inside the theater when we got there (an hour and a half ahead of showtime). but we were seeing it at the imax, and as long as you get there before the top section fills up, you're guaranteed to have a decent view of the screen. (that bottom section is for folks who want a neck-sprain and sensory overload, as near as i can tell.) the line had sprinklings of trekkies in full costume making me envious that i still don't have a red '60s miniskirt uniform to wear on important occasions like this. i need to make that uniform a life priority before the next movie comes out.

so how was the movie?

AWESOME!!!!!

that's right, it was totally shift-keyworthy. and i swear and promise that i actually held the shift key down for that whole word, i didn't cheat and use the caps lock or anything.

first off, of course, is the fact that i was not even born the last time star trek looked like star trek. don't get me wrong, i like some of the next generation and deep space nine stuff, and the wrath of khan is one of the best movies ever. but star trek will always be gold and blue and red uniforms to me, with miniskirt versions for the girls.

watching this movie and listening to it too, i really felt like i was in the star trek universe again. the sets and the sound effects and the music and the ships and everything just really, really works. (well, okay, i thought the engineering section in the ship was weird. but everything else -- spot on!)

the cast is excellento as well. kirk and spock are both deeelish, as is zoe saldana as uhura. but the best performance in my book was the guy from "Lord of the Rings" that they got to play Dr. McCoy. holy moley, if i was on the enterprise, i'd be faking the space flu several times a week just to go to sick bay and hear him talk!

i can't wait to go see it again, and i can't wait for the next one.

beam me up!

best feeling in the world

you know what's the best feeling in the whole world?

(no, it's not that. i have a whole other blog for that kinda thing, remember?)

the very most bestest feeling in the whole wide world is the feeling that somebody appreciates you for exactly who you really are.

so if there's somebody you really appreciate? somebody you think you know really well, who's got some really cool or different thing about them that's not like anybody else?

be sure you tell them. or find some way to show them.

because we all ought to have that feeling, at least once in a while.

and if nobody's given you that feeling recently? well, go look in the mirror and tell the person you see that you appreciate them.

because that person definitely deserves it too.

home! bliss! horror! bliss!

tra-lalalala, tra-la! i am home!

i'm here, i'm getting my stuff in order, msg is covering me in wonderful gooey affection of all kinds and i could not be happier in my wildest dreams!!!

oh. okay, i guess i would be slightly happier if we had not almost killed one of the cats with a heavy box while getting me moved in, but he's back from the vet and his leg should be fine in a few weeks and the trauma of the moment did at least let me see msg spring into action to rush the poor guy to the vet. it was kind of awful and it terrified both of us (well all three of us if you include the cat) and then i had to wait at home all alone on my move-in day - but it was also sweet to see how much he cares and what a big heart he has, and i know there's a giant place in that heart for me. plus, the cat's going to be fine, so it's all good.

when he got home and told me how much the vet stuff was going to cost, i could see the relief in his eyes even though it was a lot of money, so i poked him and said, "you better get used to shelling out, buddy, cuz i'm an expensive girl to have around!"

anyway, i'll also say that after that bit of a bad beginning, things have quickly gotten much, much better.

much.

yum!

don't let it get you down

hey you out there, if anybody's reading this - listen: whatever you've got bugging you? just tell it 'hey, too bad, i'm not letting you drag on me.'

i'm not saying your problems aren't problems, only that you're bigger than they are if you want to be.

you'll figure it out.

hang in there.

tough it out.

sooner or later, 'it' will realize you're not giving up.

then everything will be peachy.

trust me!

oh cruel misfortune

yes

no

yes

no

stop

start

stop

go

if

one

more

delay

should

show

i

think

claire is

going to blow!

you know, i expected to do some blowing in january, only i expected it to be the good kind of blowing (if you'll pardon my lewdness please)

except that now it looks like i'm not getting my move on until more like the 20th, as opposed to this week.

so it looks like you can probably just call me miss pouty-pants for the next couple of weeks, since i'm going to be doing a lot of garumphing over the situation.

not that it does me any good, since i'm not garumphing at anybody and even if i was there's not anything they could do about it.

the winds of fate have just conspired against me, that's all.

and i can't even garumph at the winds of fate, since they're, like, winds and all. and metaphoric winds besides. and also they're responsible for the whole fact that i'm getting to move in the first place which would make it pretty ungrateful of me to pout at them.

garumph.